You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I cockslap morals
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
