Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
