i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
