the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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