Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
