never play flip cup with pint glasses
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
