Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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