God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
