We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
