grandma shit on top of the toilet
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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