Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
