based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
