I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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