i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
