Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
