This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
