So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
