Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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