Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Small penises have feelings too.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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