Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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