Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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