Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
