Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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