My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So much rum. So many feels.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
