I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
