if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
