I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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