How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
