I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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