I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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