Swine flu. Run for my life!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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