Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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