i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
