he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
