i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
