We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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