They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
