my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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