Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
