I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
