Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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