So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
