Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
