I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
