I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
