So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
