i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
