I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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