One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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