Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
